Dash Reviews…Tales From The Crypt Presents: Bordello Of Blood

What’s going on, kiddies? I bet some of you have come here for a “killer” good time, like last year when I reviewed ‘Tales From The Crypt Presents: Demon Knight’. In that review, I mentioned how the movie was a love letter to both 80s B-Horror as well as the legendary HBO show; with genuine scares, hilarious jokes, a superb story, great acting, and a killer soundtrack. Well…it’s time to meet that movie’s little sister. You know who I’m talking about; the annoying little preteen pissant who thinks she’s edgy because she smokes cigarettes and listens to Avril Lavigne…this is going to hurt.

…a lot.

‘Tales From The Crypt Presents Bordello Of Blood’ is the 1996 horror-comedy based on the hit HBO TV series, ‘Tales From The Crypt’; which was also based on the infamous 1950s horror comics of the same name. While not connected, this film is regarded as the sequel to 1995’s ‘Demon Knight’. Like ‘Demon Knight’, the film was meant to be a part of an intended trilogy that would all have the same ‘Tales From The Crypt’ vibe and would take place in the same continuity. However, the original idea for a sequel entitled ‘Dead Easy’, which was going to be a zombie flick set in New Orleans, was eventually scrapped in favor of today’s film. Upon its release, ‘Bordello Of Blood’ was both a critical and financial failure. Which begs the question…

It beats the hell out of me! I mean, to be fair, a private investigator trying to take down a whorehouse run by vampires? Killing vampires with Super Soakers filled with Holly Water? That’s not necessarily a bad concept for a horror-comedy. But ideas like that sound like they would fit better in a straight-to-video ‘Lost Boys’ sequel or an episode of ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’, not an R-rated ‘Tales From The Crypt’ movie. I think that’s probably one of the biggest problems with the story, however, is the fact that this installment tries to rely more on the comedy and less on the horror, rather than having a balance between the two genres like ‘Demon Knight’ had. Hell, the comedy isn’t even that funny…most of the time.

The movie follows private investigator Rafe Guttman(played by comedian Dennis Miller). To be fair, this guy is probably the funniest thing about this movie. Say what you will about Dennis Miller’s sarcastic style of comedy and his holier-than-thou attitude, you either love it or you hate it. Personally, I respect the fact that Miller understands that this movie is garbage and is clearly having fun hamming things up. All this character really is, is a compilation of Miller’s recycled stand-up routine, but I feel as though this helps make part of the film somewhat memorable.

Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for the rest of the cast. Chris Sarandon was wasted in this movie, Corey Feldman was “literally” wasted in this movie, Erika Eleniak was uninteresting, but then there’s the cherry on top. That would be the film’s villain, Lillith(played by Angie Everhart)…Sorry, Angie. But there was no reason for you to be in this movie.

Listen, I get why they put Angie Everhart in this movie. She’s an unbelievably gorgeous supermodel known for starring in a few erotic-thrillers and some schlocky Softcore flicks…that’s about it. All she does in this film is look sexy for the camera, kill a few people, and steal some of the Cryptkeeper’s puns. This is probably one of the reasons why some people didn’t see ‘Bordello Of Blood’ when it came out. Why would any man pay the price of a movie ticket to see Angie Everhart in a crappy vampire flick then they can stay home and watch her on late-night Skinemax for free? I’m not trying to complain about Angie Everhart because I do enjoy looking at her. But there’s a difference between film and Softcore porn. I’m not trying to review Softcore porn.

What?…oh, right! I don’t care how much gore or nudity you put in this movie, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s an absolute trainwreck. Sure, there’s plenty of blood and gore, Angie Everhart does look good, and Dennis Miller is the most entertaining aspect of the film. But when you get right down to it, ‘Bordello Of Blood’ is an epic downgrade compared to ‘Demon Knight’. A flat script, boring characters, and too much emphasis on comedy that doesn’t work. Unlike ‘Demon Knight’ which celebrates the fact that it’s a ‘Tales From The Crypt’ movie, ‘Bordello Of Blood’ instead goes out of its way to parody,exploit, and disgrace everything that was fun and creepy about the franchise. In other words…This Movie Bites!

You see, Keeper? My jokes should NEVER be funnier than your movie!

I seriously hate you…until next time, Gotta Dash!

Rating: 3/10

Written by Shane Moose

Special thanks to the three big F’s in my life(Friends, Family & Fans) for helping me get this far, pushing me to go even further and for putting up with me when I try going further than that. To hell with my limitations!

Videos & Photos:

Tales From The Crypt Presents: Bordello Of Blood(owned by Universal Pictures)

HBO’s Tales From The Crypt(owned by HBO, EC Comics, Genesis Entertainment, 20th Television & Warner Home Video)

Angry Video Game Nerd(owned by James Rolfe & Cinemassacre Productions)

Dennis Miller Live(owned by HBO & Happy Family Productions)

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