Dash Reviews…Fifty Shades Darker

Ugh…It’s the Dash Man here. As you can clearly tell, I’m not in the best mood this time around. Two years ago, I reviewed a little film that I never thought…would become a franchise. You know, like an experiment. I figured it would be like those other films that were once considered “unfilmable” at some point; like ‘Lord Of The Rings’, or ‘Watchmen’. But no…so here we are.

Apparently, there are more horny teenage girls and single mothers in this country than I thought.

‘Fifty Shades Darker’ is the sequel to the 2015 erotic thriller-drama, ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’; based on the second novel of the Fifty Shades Trilogy from E.L. James. Purely made due to the success of the first film. With a budget of $55 Million, the sequel grossed well over $330 Million worldwide; grossing a little less than the original($571 Million). Aside from being a financial success, the film also met with heavy criticism upon its release(no surprise there). Do you really need to hear why this movie fails? By all means, you can stop right now…too late, now you must stay and suffer as I have.

All right, let’s just get the more “messy” bits done and over with. Yes, the rediculous sex scenes are back in full force. However, something was kinda different. The sex scenes are admittedly a lot more raunchy than the they were in the first movie. That’s the one thing I will give this sequel credit for, they really pushed to see how far they could go with the R rating after experimenting with the content of the first movie. Unlike the original film’s sex scenes, however, which were just boring, the sex in this this movie were kinda funny. I mean, unintentionally funny. Like, “let’s rip off Skinemax & Showtime and see if anyone will notice” funny. You know you’ve failed as a filmmaker if you have Dakota Johnson oily and naked, while we’re close to falling asleep.

Speaking of Dakota Johnson…what happened? She’s not a bad actress and I want to like her. While she did the best to her ability in the last movie, it seems as though she’s become less interesting and boring the more comfortable she is as Anastasia. It also doesn’t help that her character continuously makes the same dumb mistakes as she did in the last movie. This is yet another occasion where Hollywood shows a regular girl getting mixed up with a horrible and psychologically-damaged human being because, “Oh, but he’s misunderstood! He’s not as bad as he once was! He’s the only one who understands me! I can change him!” What a great message for the ladies, E.L. James.

No, it’s my show. Now, shut up. Anywho, as far as the rest of the acting goes…I didn’t talk a lot about Jamie Dornan’s performance as Christian Grey from the last movie, because he was that uninteresting and boring. In this movie, Dornan manages to make the character even more unlikable. At least in the last movie, it seemed like he was sleepwalking. While Dakota Johnson is growing more comfortable in her role, Dornan seems less committed. If an actor is not invested, why the hell should I be invested in his obvious pity story about his crackhead mother, a pedophilic milf and some cigarette burns?

Too far? Good! Then there’s the so-called antagonists in this movie. Yes, they actually tried to bring conflict and a supposed story into this mess. It’s about as all-over-the-place as you’d expect. Let me ask you guys this, how do filmmakers make you forget that Christian Grey is a screwed-up, mysogionistic, power-hungry stalker with a tacked on Oedipus complex? By having an attempted rapist. Enter Jack Hyde(played by Eric Johnson).

Yeah, no. Sasha Banks is the Boss.


Not only is Jack Hyde another uninteresting character, but Christian Grey is still a screwed-up, mysogionistic, power-hungry stalker with a tacked on Oedipus complex. So, you failed. Don’t even get me started on the other two antagonists they added to this movie. Bella Heathcote plays Leila Williams; one of Grey former “girls” turned crazy stalker. To be fair, she wasn’t that bad at playing such a mentally-disturbed character and she showed a lot of promise. So, of course, she only has about ten minutes of screen time.

Image result for fifty shades darker leila gif

Finally, there’s Elena…or Mrs. Robinson, or whatever the hell her name is. As if I didn’t get the memo that this is all just a ripoff of ‘9 1/2 Weeks’, why not rub it in and get Kim Basinger while you’re at it? How you people managed to get the best actor for this movie but end up making her pointless and boring is beyond me.

The whole time, I’m thinking to myself, “You were in ‘9 1/2 Weeks’, ‘L.A. Confidenial’ and ‘Batman’. Why do I hate you all of a sudden?” Trust me, the short amount of time you see her in this movie is gonna make you miss ‘Cool World’. Yes, I went there.

Oh, and don’t expect me to get all in-depth with the look of the movie. This is one of those dialogue-heavy kind of movies. Which would be fine if the dialogue wasn’t awful. This movie is quite possibly a bigger headache to sit through than the first one. It’s every bit as boring and moronic as the original, while also trying to be “steamier” and “sexier”, but instead coming off trashier than a one-night stand between Bill Cosby and Courtney Love. It’s a complete waste of Bella Heathcote and Kim Basinger, this is probably the worst movie in Dakota Johnson’s career, the fact that Danny Elfman composed the score for both this movie and the original is absolutely baffling because his score sounds about as boring and uninspired as Christian Grey’s childhood. If this sequel and its predecessor were made in any other point in time, they would’ve bombed harder than 2015’s ‘Jem & The Holograms’. The only reason why this movie, the original and the inevitable third film are multi-million dollar blockbusters is because the franchise’s targeted demographic wouldn’t know anything about what makes a good movie or a good actor if Benedict Cumberbatch tied you up and flogged you with a riding crop!

UGH! Now, for those of you who like the books and movies, I would like to take this time to apologize. I apologize for assuming that you kids today know what an Oedipus complex is.


Anyway, time to take a long shower. Until net time, Gotta Dash!

Rating: 3/10

Written by Shane Moose

Special thanks to the three big F’s in my life(Friends, Family & Fans) for helping me get this far, pushing me to go even further and for putting up with me when I try going further than that. To hell with my limitations!

Videos & Photos:

Fifty Shades Darker(owned by Universal Pictures, & Michael De Luca Productions)

Bob’s Burgers(owned by 20th Century Fox Television, Bento Box Entertainment, Wilo Productions, Buck & Millie Productions & 20th Television)

Coming To America(owned by Paramount Pictures & Eddie Murphy Productions)

Fifty Shades Of Grey(owned by Universal Pictures, Focus Pictures, Michael De Luca Productions & Trigger Street Productions)

Friday(owned by New Line Cinema, Priority Films, Ghetto Bird Productions & Cube Vision Productions)

Cool World(owned by Paramount Pictures & Rough Draft Studios)

Sherlock(TV Series)(owned by BBC, Hartswood Films, BBC Wales & WGBH)

All WWE related clips and images are property of WWE


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s