Happy New Year, everybody! It’s Dash Jordan and allow me to welcome you all here to the year 2017. Hope you guys enjoyed the first couple of days. I did, surprisingly. You know the saying, “new year, new me”? Well, I certainly hope that’s true because I have a really good feeling about this year. I’m planning on working even harder than last year, giving you guys some great new content, and maybe, a couple of surprises here and there. Nothing is certain, but I will try my absolute best to give you the best. Of course, something still smells a little ripe and it’s time to shower off the rest of the funk from 2016.
Yeah, I’m gonna need something a lot stronger than a knife to the face before the night’s over. Because I have the misfortune of looking back at some of the past year’s worst pieces of crap. Trust me, it hurt me a lot more than it’s gonna hurt you…don’t ever say that I don’t do anything for you guys.
Ugh…let’s just get this over with. This is my Top Ten Worst Movies of 2016! Let’s get started…
#10-Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice
Listen, I really had no high hopes for this movie. In fact, I wanted this movie to fail horribly. However, I’ve stated before in my review that this movie had a few bright spots; including the action, the cinematography, and Ben Affleck stealing the show as Batman. The things I did like about this movie are the sole reasons why I’ve decided to rank the film very low on this list. However, I can not ignore everything that failed.
THAT INCLUDES YOU!!! The script was all over the place and just feels completely rushed. By far, the absolute worst thing about ‘Batman v Superman’ is the writing. The Comic Book genre has decades upon decades of history with plenty of stories to tell, I don’t think the Comic Book Movie craze is going to go anywhere anytime soon. So, instead of DC & Warner Bros. taking their time to tell some of their greatest stories, they felt the need to insult the intelligence of the fans by producing a rushed, convoluted mess just so they can FINALLY get to their precious ‘Justice League’ movie and try to catch up with Marvel & Disney. In the end, it doesn’t matter which two of the biggest Superheroes are going to duke it out on the big screen, it means absolutely nothing when everything else feels so empty.
Oh, and before you guys try to tell me that the R-rated “Ultimate Edition” fixes some of the Theatrical Cut’s problems…no. Adding 30 extra minutes of padding didn’t “fix” the movie, it just made it longer.
#9-Pride & Prejudice & Zombies
…you know, I really should’ve seen this one coming. I really should’ve known better. I guess you can blame ‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter’ for that because I actually quite enjoyed the ridiculous nature of that film and how it tried to take itself so seriously. So, when I heard that this was based on the same book that was written by the same guy who wrote ‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter’, I was actually a little excited as I thought it was going to be equally silly. Well, this movie also did try to take itself way too seriously. So why was it so flippin’ boring?!?
I swear to God, I was originally going to include this movie as part of Dash-O-Ween this past year. But I swear the movie made me fall asleep…twice. How could so much blood, guts, zombies AND Matt Smith make me wish I was watching a different movie. Hell, I certainly felt like I was watching a different movie, as it was nothing like what was promised from the trailers. Aside from Matt Smith & Lena Headey, the acting was extremely dull. I’ve seen better action in better action films, the effects look cheap as all hell, the story itself just doesn’t work as either comedy or horror; by far, the worst crime you can commit in a horror-comedy.
…nope, still boring.
#8-Independence Day: Resurgence
We had twenty years to prepare…and we still don’t care. Honestly, I commend Roland Emmerich’s tenacity. Even when the entire world wants him to stop, he still pushes on and pisses us off. To be fair, unlike some of Emmerich’s other films, there have always been two films that got him the most recognition over the years; ‘Stargate’ and ‘Independence Day’. So, it makes sense to get a sequel from what fans consider one of his “good” movies. But, did we REALLY need it?
It’s ‘Independence Day’ with a bigger budget, that’s all. Giant saucers fly into Earth, national monuments get destroyed, aerial dogfights with aliens, human gets possessed by aliens, Jeff Goldblum says something unintentionally funny, we get it. Oh, and we use the alien technology now…big woop. At least the effects of the original film looked impressive for its time. This movie is just another flash in a pan, with even worst acting from certain cast members of the original, a boring new cast of characters, a dumb script, and an even dumber display of sequel-baiting. Nice try, but you’re not getting it…at least, I hope not. If ‘Fuller House’ can get renewed for another season, I guess anything is friggin’ possible.
#7-Boo! A Madea Halloween
Need I say more? Halleluherr, I’m so glad that I have good memory, which means I didn’t have to rewatch this one. Can you still believe the sole purpose of this film’s existence was to be a response to a joke from a Chris Rock movie? I’m not kidding! Other than that, this film had absolutely no purpose. But, as I’ve mentioned before in my review, dumb people still went and saw the movie.
When Tyler Perry is at his best, he gives us ‘Diary of a Mad Black Woman’. When he’s at his worst, he turns out lazy stinkers like this one. Bad acting, nonsensical plot, and all. I would like to see the day when Tyler Perry cuts the BS and starts making meaningful entertainment again because I truly do respect the man. But as it stands now, I’m not gonna lose any sleep if I don’t see Madea again for a while. ‘Nuff said, moving on before my brain hurts again.
Say what you will about 20th Century Fox and their butchery of the ‘X-Men’ franchise as they desperately try to keep it on life support and keep it from going back to Marvel. But for every ‘X3′ and X-Men Origins’, there was ‘X2’, ‘First Class’, ‘The Wolverine’, ‘Days of Future Past’, & ‘Deadpool’. So I’ll admit, I was kind of excited to see how they would top the last couple of movies we got. ANNNNND it all fell down.
Look, it was interesting to finally see one of the X-Men Universe’s greatest threats on screen, some of the action was good and both James McAvoy & Michael Fassbender still do an amazing job as young Charles Xavier & Magneto, respectively. But what we got was yet another by-the-numbers “final battle” style comic book movie with very little substance and a lot of bright colors. I just hope that ‘Logan’ fairs a lot better. Hmm…there was something else. I must’ve forgotten something.
Oh right!!! Shut up, Sansa.
#5-Fifty Shades of Black
Wow…this is what, the second year in a row where BDSM pisses me off? Gee, I just can’t wait for you women to drive me @#$%ing nuts yet again this year!
Yeah, yeah, let’s try to keep this show PG-13, idiots. Back to the unfunny Marlon Wayans spoof-comedy. That’s exactly the problem, and we’ve seen it time and time again. You try to act like you sympathize with your audience by spoofing a film that you hate when all you’re really doing is giving the original film more publicity. It also helps that none of the jokes were funny, the gross-out gags were just gross, it even hurts me to know that this was Florence Henderson’s last film ever…why?
Let’s just hope that Marlon Wayans can put his obligations aside for a moment and doesn’t try to make a sequel just because E.L. James’ uninspired fanfic crap is getting a sequel. Because to this day, it’s hard for me to sleep at night knowing that the overly-serious, overly-sexual, and overly-awful ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ is a hundred times more funny than the spoof comedy that was meant to be “intentionally” funny.
Oh hey, that’s exactly what I’m gonna do to my head at the theater after I watch ‘Fifty Shades Darker’. Now THAT’S pretty funny!
#4-Mike & Dave Need Wedding Dates
Better known by its alternate title, ‘Mike & Dave Need Better Writers’. Christ, this movie was painful. Not even Anna Kendrick’s and Aubrey Plaza’s bare and toned asses could save this failed attempt at a comedy. By far, the most unlikable, unrelatable and moronic twats I’ve ever seen in any film in a long time…AND I HAVEN’T EVEN GOTTEN TO #1 YET!!!
Clearly, Zac Efron and the rest of the cast just wanted to take a break from acting and go on vacation but remembered that they had a deadline and just stole a couple of D grade essays from Junior High kids. Every single frame of this movie made me want to tear up, it was that painful to sit through. Mind you, I really like Aubrey Plaza! How the hell did you make me bored of looking at AND listening to Aubrey Plaza?!?
SEE?!? NOTHING!!! This by far, the absolute worst comedy of 2016. If not, the worst comedy I’ve ever seen in my life. UGH!!! Just three more! I can do this…even if I do end up drinking again after today’s through.
Thank you, Aubrey. NEXT!
You know, I actually feel kind of bad about this movie. Unlike ‘Batman v Superman’, I was actually kind of hoping that this movie would be the one to break the spell and help get DC & Warner Bros. out of this funk. Maybe…just maybe, this movie could be the one to topple Marvel & Disney…PPPFFTT, HAAAAAAAAAAAA! HAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
HAAAAAA! Oh, man! But seriously, I did have some hope for this movie. Because there actually was a lot of things that I liked. Margot Robbie as Harley Quinn and Viola Davis as Amanda Waller were amazing and I would love to see those two again. Will Smith as Deadshot was also really good. So was Jai Courtney as Captain Boomerang, and Jay Hernandez as Diablo. Also, I didn’t mind the action and I also found the film’s soundtrack to be more enjoyable that the movie itself. But today, you’re about to learn why the term “quality over quantity” also goes both ways. The editing was downright atrocious and obvious, the script was all over the damn place, Rick Flag(Joel Kinnaman) was somehow more boring than all of ‘Pride & Prejudice & Zombies’, they made Killer Croc(Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje) into an annoyingly-offensive black stereotype(yeah, where were you on that one, Sharpton), Enchantress(Cara Delevingne) was an unnecessary and uninteresting villain. I would say that it would’ve made more sense if they did away with the magic element and just made The Joker the film’s villain; making Harley Quinn the film’s red herring. But…
I’m just gonna go ahead and ignore the stupid-looking Marilyn Manson teeth and Hot Topic tattoos for a moment. Aside from Jared Leto looking absolutely stupid, his laugh is god-awful, some of his lines and mannerisms were clearly ripped-off from Heath Ledger’s Joker performance rather than trying something original. He just didn’t feel like Joker to me. He felt more like a ruthless crime boss dressing up as The Joker for a Halloween party. But, by far the worst thing about this movie is the connection between The Joker & Harley Quinn. Don’t get me wrong, the two actors had chemistry…AND THAT’S THE PROBLEM! If I was Edward & Bella, I’ll go and watch friggin’ ‘Twilight’! This is supposed to be The Joker & Harley Quinn, the most complexed, abusive and screw-up relationship in comic book history, not some misunderstood, wannabe-Bonnie&Clyde emo kids! I guess this is what happens when you try to make a comic book movie in an age ruled by SJWs and snowflakes. I mean, God forbid a supervillain does something as villainous as hit a woman! It’s that level of disrespect to beloved characters and story arcs, not to mention the horrifically-rushed editing that ruins what otherwise could’ve been a fairly-passible movie from DC. So children, what have we learned if nothing else?
I’ve taught you well.
#2-The Curse of Sleeping Beauty
Wow…now this movie can let me down to sleep. I couldn’t be more disappointed in this movie. It’s a shame too because when I reviewed this movie, I mentioned how the look of the film showed a lot of promise. Once again, I should’ve friggin’ known better.
I commended India Eisley for trying, as well as the film’s composer. But, I can not forgive the repetitive use of unoriginal horror tropes, unscary monsters, unlikable characters, and an unbelievably asinine twist that completely ruins whatever potential this film had left. It was a god-awful and disappointing mess to sit through. Sorry, India…better luck next time.
And now, kids…it’s time to experience some real deep hurting. How deep? I’m talking Fararah Abraham on every drunken Saturday night deep! Might hurt some feelings, but I don’t care. Hold on to your butts, everybody! The #1 Worst Movie of 2016 is…
UGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!! *ahem* sorry…for not being sorry. No other film on this list has caused so much unrest and drama like this one. I can’t even go as far as to call this movie a bad comedy because it would be an utter insult to ‘Mike & Dave Need Wedding Dates’! By far, the biggest insult would be calling this movie by its title, as it has successfully disgraced everything that was memorable and hilarious about the franchise. I don’t care how funny Kate McKinnon is on ‘Saturday Night Live’, not even her talents were enough. The damage was already done, half of the country was already in a frenzy! If that wasn’t bad enough, you couldn’t even surprise the naysayers and ended up being good? Thank Sony, for proving me right!…again.
No, that’s not funny! Even if I didn’t count this movie on my list for its paper-thin and predictable plot, the lackluster villain, the heinous performances from Melissa McCarthy & Leslie Jones and the goofy-looking CGI, I would still tear this movie to shreds. As well as anyone who ever had a part of this film’s production. True, there may have been worse films on this list, but at least none of the other films did what ‘Ghostbusters’ did. DC & Warner Bros. may not jack about pleasing the fans, but at least they didn’t flat out disrespect the fans! Misogynists! Pigs! Feminazis! Morons! Virgins! We, the fans, should be never be calling each other names like that! So, of course, we have the cast and crew who made things worst for their audiences. As I’ve mentioned before in my review of this movie, I can never respect any actor or filmmaker who openly attacks their audience. Which is why I can never take anyone who actually enjoyed this movie seriously.
I’ve always been told that hate is a very strong word, so allow me to say a word that’s even stronger. I loathe this movie! I absolutely loathe this epic-failed attempt at quality cinema. The idea of even calling this reboot a “movie” would be disrespectful snuff films and clown porn. Just the sheer disrespect from this movie, its cast, and its crew makes the other terrible films featured on this list all look like they all had good intentions and effort. You guys have nothing to be proud of, and I’m proud to say that it will be a cold day in Hell before this reboot ever gets a sequel. Because if all of the film’s problems and controversy wasn’t enough to destroy this movie, then its laughable box office gross should be more than enough. Boom, you’re done! If it was up to me, you would be the Worst Movie of All Time, let alone of 2016! Who you gonna call? The year 2016, ask him if you can share a coffin!
Damn, why am I so angry? I need to relax, after all…it’s almost Request Time!
Be sure to hand in those request, guys! You’ve all got plenty of time. Because I’m STILL not done with 2016 just yet. Until then, Gotta Dash!
Written by Shane Moose
Special thanks to the three big F’s in my life(Friends, Family & Fans) for helping me get this far, pushing me to go even further and for putting up with me when I try going further than that. To hell with my limitations!
Videos & Photos:
Batman v Superman: Dawn Of Justice(owned by Warner Bros. Pictures, DC Entertainment, RatPac Entertainment, Atlas Entertainment & Cruel and Unusual Films)
Pride & Prejudice & Zombies(owned by Screen Gems, Cross Creek Pictures, Sierra Pictures, MadRiver Pictures, QC Entertainment, Allison Shearmur Productions, HandsomeCharlie Films & Head Gear Films)
Independence Day: Resurgence(owned by 20th Century Fox, TSG Entertainment, Centropolis Entertainment & Electric Entertainment)
Tyler Perry’s Boo! A Madea Halloween(owned by Lionsgate & Tyler Perry Studios)
X-Men: Apocalypse(owned by 20th Century Fox, The Donners’ Company, Marvel Entertainment, TSG Entertainment, Bad Hat Harry Productions & Kinberg Genre)
Fifty Shades Of Black(owned by IM Global, Baby Way Productions & Open Road Films)
Mike & Dave Need Wedding Dates(owned by 20th Century Fox, Chernin Entertainment
Suicide Squad(owned by Warner Bros. Pictures, DC Entertainment, RatPac-Dune Entertainment & Atlas Entertainment)
The Curse of Sleeping Beauty(owned by XLrator Media, 2B Films, Briar Rose Productions & Nexus Motion Picture Company)
Ghostbusters: Answer The Call(owned by Village Roadshow Pictures, Pascal Pictures, The Montecito Picture Company & Feigco Entertainment)
Psycho(owned by Paramount Pictures & Shamley Productions)
Scream 4(owned by Dimension Films, Corvus Corax Productions, Outerbanks Entertainment & The Weinstein Company)
Ken Park(owned by Fortissimo Films, Vitagraph Films, Kasander Film Company & Cinéa)
South Park(owned by Comedy Central Productions, Paramount Television & South Park Digital Studios, LLC )
Fifty Shades Darker(owned by Universal Pictures, & Michael De Luca Productions)
Parks & Recreation(owned by NBC Universal Television Distribution, Deedle-Dee Productions, Fremulon/Schur Films, Polka Dot Pictures, 3 Arts Entertainment & Open 4 Business Productions)
The IT Crowd(owned by FremantleMedia & Channel 4)
In Living Color(owned by Ivory Way Productions, 20th Century Fox Television & 20th Television)
Looney Tunes(owned by Warner Bros.)
Underworld: Awakening(owned by Screen Gems, Lakeshore Entertainment & Sketch Films)
The Blues Brothers(owned by Universal Pictures)