Hey, everyone! It’s Dash Jordan, and allow me to say Happy New Year. Welcome to the year 2017. Now, I really wanted to do this article much sooner. But, it was New Year’s so I’d figure I do some catching up with some friends, family, and a bottle of Jack Daniels. I think it’s safe to say that all of 2016 was MORE than enough of a good reason to start drinking. This past year was the absolute worst and I dare any snowflakes out there reading this to try and tell me otherwise. So, before kick off this new year by doing what I do best, I need to get a few things off my chest and finally wash the blue waffle-esque taste of 2016 out my mouth once and for all.
2016, you started out alright for a bit. But, then you started to get a little annoying. What the hell, did I ever do to you, 2016? Did someone ditch you at Prom night? Did a better year shoot your parents in an alley somewhere? Almost every day was an absolute trainwreck. Let’s see, you have a slew of horrible movies and cash grabs, music is at its most terrible. I would listen to every Spice Girls song on a loop if it meant I would NEVER have to listen to Corey Feldman’s ‘Go 4 It’ ever again!
Speaking of WTF moments, what the hell was going on with our country? If it wasn’t bad enough that we got enough crazy in America…we, the people, actually had to vote between a moron and a supervillain for the President of the United States?!? Are you serious right now? How about neither? Would I really sound “un-American” for not liking either of these nutjobs?
Don’t like what I’m saying? I Don’t Care!!! See how easy that was? If you don’t like something, just ignore it! I’m personally tired of all of the PC bull. Political Correctness has done nothing but pissed people off, admit it. Because having an opinion or saying something that may sound wrong in a country where people have fought and died for the right to Freedom of Speech? Oh, we can’t have that! #SHUTTHEHELLUPSNOWFLAKE
Oh, now let’s talk about some of the utter crap I had to deal with from Hollywood. Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor and Jered Leto as The Joker.
…moving on. While Marvel & Disney are still going strong, DC & Warner Bros. clearly have no idea what they’re doing. It’s not even a contest, DC. You get nothing! You lose! Good day, sir! Oh…oh, good God! Thanks for friggin’ reminding me, 2016! You’re a friggin’ serial killer! I’m not even trying to crack jokes anymore! You took Gene Wilder! Really, 2016?!?
Let’s not also forget everyone else that you took from us! All of the many attacks and shootings that happened in and outside of this country, I truly thought the world was coming to an end. Oh, what else have we got? How about some more dead celebrities? Like Anton Yelchin, Chyna, Prince, Vanity, Alan Rickman, David Bowie, Florence Henderson, Ron Glass, Alan Thicke, George Michael, Carrie Friggin’ Fisher AND her mother, Debbie Reynolds! The list goes on! No seriously, the number of celebrities who died are at least in the high double digits. The reason why I haven’t covered every other celebrity passing this past year was because it was starting to become too much for me and I could not handle all of that death. I’ve only scrapped the surface of the celebrity death list of 2016! Oh, but at least all of the Kardashians are still alive…BECAUSE THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE!!!
SCREW YOU, MALIBU WHOREHOUSE BARBIE!!! 2016, I’ve hope you had fun pissing me off because I certainly had fun getting plastered over your rotting corpse! I spit in your face, 2016. Here’s a New Year’s Resolution for you, go to Hell! I can only hope that 2017 would at least be slightly better. Because 2016 is truly the worst year of all time and THAT’s saying a lot!
All joking aside…2016 really a terrible year. Not to say that there weren’t good things that came out of this past year, but the bad REALLY outweighs the good in this case. My heart goes out to the families and friends of all of our fallen stars, soldiers, and innocents. Last year, I mentioned my own resolutions. This year, I’d like to give a resolution for all of you. In this dark time, may we all just come together? I’m not forcing you all to stop hating and fighting because forcing people to love only causes more hate. Besides, making a statement and upsetting snowflakes on a regular basis is kind of what I do best. So, if not love or peace…then let’s just try and understand each other. We always hate or fear what we don’t understand…so let’s understand each other instead and figure out a way to make our future better. Anyways, I don’t wanna end things all pretentious. So, I hope you all enjoyed the first day of the new year, we’ve only got 364 days to go. Let’s hope my third year of doing this job is even greater. To kick things off, a big announcement for you all. My next two articles will be Dash 10s. I know, you guys haven’t had a Top Ten in a while so think of it as another late Christmas gift to you all for being so patient with me. I’m also pleased to announce that those two Dash 10s will be the Top 10 Best & Worst Films of 2016. I’m so excited too! After those two, my next review will be…YOUR CHOICE! Because it’s gonna be the first Request Time of 2017!
Get ready, guys…I’ve gotta pretty good feeling that 2017 is gonna be a blast. Until next time, Gotta Dash!
Written by Shane Moose
Special thanks to the three big F’s in my life(Friends, Family & Fans) for helping me get this far, pushing me to go even further and for putting up with me when I try going further than that. To hell with my limitations!
Videos & Photos:
Key & Peele(owned by Comedy Central, Cindylou, Monkeypaw Productions, & Martel & Roberts Productions)
Corey Feldman’s “Go 4 It”(owned by Corey Feldman)
Clue(owned by Paramount Pictures & PolyGram Filmed Entertainment)
That ’70s Show(owned by Fox & Carsey-Werner Productions)
Batman v Superman: Dawn Of Justice(owned by Warner Bros. Pictures, DC Entertainment, RatPac Entertainment, Atlas Entertainment & Cruel and Unusual Films)
Suicide Squad(owned by Warner Bros. Pictures, DC Entertainment, RatPac-Dune Entertainment & Atlas Entertainment)
Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory(owned by Paramount Pictures, Wolper Pictures, Ltd. & The Quaker Oats Company)
Keeping Up With The Kardashians(owned by E! Network, Ryan Seacrest Productions & Bunim/Murray Productions)
The Blues Brothers(owned by Universal Pictures)
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