Hey, kids! It’s Dash Jordan. I know, next article is supposed to Request Time. Well, I’m STILL waiting for you people AND this ain’t no review. So, while you sit there reading this, hopefully, as uncomfortable as possible because there’s something that I haven’t done in a long time and there just so happens to be a little remake floating around that I had to see to believe. So, I hope you guys enjoyed seeing me keep my cool this Halloween season…because now, I have something that I REALLY need to get off my chest.
If you guys remember my very first Top Ten, I pretty much mentioned that I don’t completely hate horror remakes. In fact, the remakes that I’ve mentioned were some of the good ones and I have no problem with those. For a time, I thought that we would be done with horror remakes and studios would eventually have to go back and rely on originality and genuine scares. For a time, it seemed like it with movies like ‘Crimson Peak’, ‘The Witch’, ‘Hush’, etc. The problem I have, however, is the fact that Hollywood excecutives’ wallets just had to prove me wrong. Because not only are we still getting remakes of horror classics, but we’re also getting horror remakes in television form. From the same network who let ‘The Simpsons’ go on well past that show’s expiration date but cancelled ‘Firefly’ & ‘Futurama’, are two TV remakes of ‘The Excorist’, and today’s travesty, ‘The Rocky Horror Picture Show’.
Because this is what people want to see! Right, Fox? A dull, stagnant, uninspired, money-grubbing, ‘Glee’-style piece of crap starring such “talents” as Victoria Justice, Adam Lambert, and Christina Milian. Oh, I’m sorry! Did Justin Beiber, Ariana Grande, and Rhianna have too much self-respect?
Normally, when I think of FOX, I don’t think of it’s extremely Right-Wing news program…well, okay, that too. But I also think of that network’s lack of thought when it comes to creating quality television programs. This, is by far their crowning achievement when it comes to stupidity. I don’t even know what me more furious. The fact that they got away with remaking ‘Rocky Horror’, or the fact that they there proud of it.’Rocky Horror’ is a cult classic for a reason, it has a cheesy quality to it, as well as good acting and memorable songs. This excrement of a program has the nerve to cast these pretty boys and auto-tuning supermodels to attempt musical numbers.
If I wanted to hear someone do a poor rendition of ‘Time Warp’, I’ll go and get drunk with a few of my friends on Karaoke Night…and we would STILL sound better than the majority of this remake’s cast.
Not to say that EVERYONE was horrible or just not as good as the original cast. I’m quite surprised that they managed to get the legendary Ben Vereen, and…Laverne Cox wasn’t that horrible. Seriously, I was ready to hate this guy…I mean, woman. If there’s one thing that I can say Fox did that was sort of competant was casting an actual transgender in the role of Dr. Frank-N-Furter.
While I didn’t mind Laverne Cox all that much, she lacked the real eccentricity and energy of Tim Curry. Oh, speaking of which…forget what I said about Fox being somewhat competant.
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!? Tim Curry is 70 Years Old and had a stroke! Look, he’s a living legend, and I’m sure the idea of having Tim return as the Criminologist sounded brilliant on paper. Every time I saw him, I just felt more sad. All I see is a broken man watching a greedy studio and a bunch of washed-up Disney & Nickelodeon popstars tarnish the very thing that made him an icon. As far as that very thing that made Tim Curry famous, here’s how I know I’m right. The remake looks absolutely cheap. At first, I was going to give the remake the benefit of the doubt, since it was a TV special. That was until I did a little more research on its production. Fox, perhaps you can explain to me…just how a musical film from the 70s with a little more than a $1 Million budget manages to look much more creepier, effective, and timeless than your 20 MILLION DOLLAR SLAP IN THE FACE?!?
Am I going to get a lot of crap from people who actually enjoyed the remake? You’re damn right! I’m going to get crap from you guys…all six of you! You see, it’s you people who don’t know how to think for yourselves and accept what a bunch of tight-suits tell you to like. It’s because of you people that this…”thing” got air-time in the first place, because you’re all too moronic and lazy to go and watch the original like you got some common sense!
Oh, and when I talk about people who have common sense…yes, I am reffering to THESE people.
That’s right! Actual fans! The people that you claim to care about and listen to. Jesus, Fox! Marvel & Disney listen to their fans! Stephen King listens to his fans, I listen to MY own fans more than you. Hell, Warner Bros. & DC Comics…like to think that they listen to their fans. You guys seem to be the only ones that don’t get it. I didn’t want to see Adam Lambert replace Meatloaf, I didn’t want to see Victoria Justice attempt to replace Susan Surandon, etc. So to the cast of this mess, and the people in charge(this includes Director Kenny Ortega and Executive Producers Lou Adler & Gail Berman), you have nothing to be proud of, you have nothing to celebrate. If or when you people eventually get blacklisted from making anything else in your collective future, I will not be surprised. I was originally thinking of ripping this special apart in a proper review, or at least comparing it to the 1975 original in a ‘Dash Versus’ article…but you don’t deserve it. Just like the fans of this cult classic didn’t deserve to get screwed this October. I would say that you should feel ashamed of yourselves for making probably one of the worst remakes I’ve ever seen…but you’re all at Fox are probably too busy thinking about how you can aquire the rights to ‘Hellraiser’ for your next TV project so you can piss me off again. Oh, don’t be upset, Fox. This…is a mercy killing!
Well, I feel better. Everyone(expect for Fox), thank you and good night! Now, don’t forget to send me those requests and vote for the next review…because it’s Request Time!
Until then, Gotta Dash!
Written by Shane Moose
A special thanks to the three big F’s in my life(Friends, Family & Fans) for helping me get this far, pushing me to go even further and for putting up with me when I try going further than that. To hell with my limitations!
Videos & Photos:
All WWE related images are property of WWE
The Rocky Horror Picture Show: Let’s Do The Time Warp Again(owned by Fox 21 Television Studios, Ode Sounds & Visuals, The Jackal Group & 20th Television)
The Rocky Horror Picture Show(1975)(owned by 20th Century Fox & Michael White Productions)
A Goofy Movie(owned by Walt Disney Pictures, DisneyToon Studios & Buena Vista Pictures Distribution, Inc.)
Why Did I Get Married?(owned by Lionsgate, Tyler Perry Studios & Reuben Cannon Productions)
Men In Black(owned by Columbia Pictures, Amblin Entertainment & MacDonald/Parkes Productions)
The Perks Of Being A Wallflower(owned by Summit Entertainment & Mr. Mudd)
Blade(owned by New Line Cinema, Marvel Entertainment, Amen Ra Films & Imaginary Forces)