Dash Reviews…Fifty Shades Of Black

What’s going on, guys? It’s Dash Jordan here and I thought I was done with this ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’…but, apparently not. Because I can’t have nice things. I swear to God, this is going to be ‘The Twilight Saga’ all over again. Of course, we didn’t have to wait for the inevitable and unnecessary sequel to come out to get our migraines.

On second thought, screw the Tylenol, Where’s the crowbar?

‘Fifty Shades Of Black’ is a 2016 spoof-comedy film starring Marlon Wayans, which basically pokes fun at ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’. With a budget of $5 Million, the film somehow managed to make over $20 Million worldwide. However, that doesn’t change the fact the film has been absolutely slammed by critics. At first, you might just say that maybe those critics just may not be fans of Marlon Wayans. If anyone is familiar with the Wayans family, then right off the bat you’d think that a Marlon Wayans comedy parodying one of the worst movies of 2015 would be pretty funny. Except for one thing…as awful as ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’ was, it’s also pretty funny in retrospect. Not funny in the “guilty pleasure” kind of way, more like the “high-school jock bullying and cracking jokes on a morbidly obese kid” kind of way. Speaking of offensive, in an ironic twist, ‘Fifty Shades Of Black’ is probably one of the most boring and offensive comedies I’ve seen this year. How unfunny is this movie? I would rather watch the upcoming ‘Ghostbusters’ remake!

Right now, I wanna apologize to everyone. Not for the obligatory ‘Ghostbusters’ remake, it’s going to suck regardless. I apologize if this review ends up being pretty short. Because there’s only so many times I can point out that this movie isn’t funny. At one point, comedy like this may have been funny to most people. I’ll admit, I used to be a fan of comedy like this, I grew up with the Wayans Bros. and their movies like ‘Scary Movie’, ‘Scary Movie 2’, and I’ll admit that their 1996 comedy, ‘Don’t Be A Menace To South Central While Drinking Your Juice In The Hood’ is still one of my guilty pleasures. So what happened? Somehow, Marlon Wayans just stopped being funny. He became more…sophomoric.

What’s even the point of talking about some of the scenes in this movie? Take a sex scene from ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’, then have Marlon Wayans’ character prematurely ejaculate, very original. The “Mrs. Robinson” character is played by Florence Henderson in this movie. Do you really think this generation know or even care who the mother from ‘The Brady Bunch’ is? Oh, and there’s a guy in the movie who makes fun of The Weeknd’s ridiculous hair. Been there, done that! To be fair, I feel really bad for everyone else who had to be in this crap. King Bach? Fred Willard? Mike Epps? Florence Henderson? Jane Seymour?!? How the hell did they get Jane Seymour in this movie? Did she even read the script? Has she lost her damn mind?!?

  By the way, I have something to say about the film’s leading lady, Kali Hawk. Not only did they have the nerve to make this woman look oddly like Datoka Johnson in blackface, but how can a woman with such a cool name have so little acting ability? One of the most boring, if the most boring thing about this movie.

   I’m sorry, but there’s only so much of Marlon Wayans’ ass that I can take. The whole spoof movie concept is played out, the jokes aren’t even remotely funny, the gross-out factor goes too overboard, it’s just a terrible experience. I don’t know how these guys managed to make a movie worse than ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’, but congratulations.

   Next time…wait a minute! My next article is going to be my 100th! Holy…wow, now I’m excited! What am I gonna do for my next review? Something old or something recent?…Okay, I got it! For my next review, we’re gonna take a look at something different, something interesting, something so good…it’s scary. Hey, it’s been a while since I reviewed a horror movie. Right, guys?

Until next time, Gotta Dash!

Rating: 2.5/10

Written by Shane Moose

Special thanks to the three big F’s in my life(Friends, Family & Fans) for helping me get this far, for pushing me to go even further and for putting up with me when I try going even further than that. To hell with the limitations!

Videos & Photos:

All WWE/WWF related images are property of WWE

Fifty Shades Of Black(owned by IM Global, Baby Way Productions & Open Road Films)

Tammy(owned by New Line Cinema, Warner Bros. Pictures, Gary Sanchez Productions & On the Day Productions)

Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman(owned by The Sullivan Company, MTM Enterprises, CBS Productions, CBS Television Distribution & 20th Television)

 

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