Dash 5s…Worst Movies Of 2015

   Hey kids…it’s the Dash-man. I’m really not excited for this list. You know why? Because it required me to watch some of these movies again just so I can figure out which one was worse. No man should ever endure such torture. Of course, I can’t deny or delay the inevitable. Sure, there were some good films that came out last year…but, you know what they say? Quality over quantity, was it? Yeah, there was definitely a lot of crap that we had to put up with.

Dude, would you shut up?!? Anyway, let’s just get this over with. These are the Top 5 pieces of crap that I’ve ever had the misfortune of sitting through.

#5-The Ridiculous 6

  ‘Pixels’ may have offended gamers, but ‘The Ridiculous 6’ managed to offend an entire race. I mentioned briefly that Adam Sandler can be funny at times, but this is one of the MANY occasions where he’s not. It’s the same tired jokes you’d come to expect from any Happy Madison film. If you want a “good” Western-spoof comedy, just stick with ‘Blazing Saddles’ or ‘A Million Ways To Die In The West’. I honestly don’t know what’s more shameful. The fact that this movie wasn’t even good enough for a theatrical release, or the fact that they were allowed to put this movie on Netflix. Well…whatever keeps Taylor Lautner away, I suppose.

   Shh…it’s okay. Your career will die shortly, it’ll all be over soon. Let’s just move on.

#4-Fifty Shades Of Grey

  You have no idea how much I wanted to put this at #1! Technically, there are worse movies that I’ve seen. But I will say this…out of all of the other films on this list, at least they never made me bored of sex! Never should I feel unclean while watching the naked female body! But, director Sam Taylor-Johnson managed to find a way with this terrible adaptation to the terrible E.L. James novel…which was originally terrible fan-fiction based on Stephanie Meyer’s terrible ‘Twilight’ franchise. I was literally PRAYING that this movie would do what the film versions of ‘Jurassic Park’ or ‘Jaws’ did, where they weren’t completely faithful to the source material but was still better than the books. So, I was hoping the same thing would happen here. But nope! Because, I can’t have nice things. My girlfriend and many other women may have had enjoyed themselves watching this. I, on the other hand, couldn’t decide weather to fall asleep or scream in agony.

   Please, I found the popcorn more titillating. I’ll stick with actual porn for free, thank you very much.

#3-Poltergeist(2015)

Ahh yes, ‘Poltergeist’! Yet ANOTHER beloved classic that should never have been remade! Do I even need to go into details again? Some things REALLY do go without saying! Aside from Sam Rockwell and Jared Harris, the acting is mediocre, the writing is horrid, the very idea of remaking ‘Poltergeist’ after years of horrible and tragic stories behind the original film’s production AND some of its cast members…is absolutely TASTELESS! Hell, if all of that wasn’t bad enough, then let’s think about the most basic thing to do in a Horror film…and they blew it! Out of all of the things this mistake of a movie has failed at, it failed at the most important thing ever. It failed to scare!

…yep, still stupid.

#2-Fant4stic

You guys miss Jessica Alba yet? I sure do! At least ‘The Ridiculous 6’ still has a few fans of Happy Madison Productions. At least ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’ still has its fangirls. Hell, at least a handful of people admitted that they liked the ‘Poltergeist’ remake…for some reason. I’ve yet to meet someone who could defend this movie. The acting was beyond bad, the writing was beyond retarded, some of the effects looked downright cheap at times and to top it off, the characters looked and acted nothing like their comic-book counterparts. This movie makes ‘Batman & Robin’ look like ‘Superman II’! That’s right, I said it! Say what you will about the 2005 version, its 2007 sequel & the unreleased Roger Corman film from 1994, but at least the Fantastic Four LOOKED & ACTED like the Fantastic Four! At least, Doctor Doom didn’t look like a melted Army Man!

Oh hey, NOT-Doom! I bet you’re wondering what could be worse than ‘Fant4stic’. You may be surprised…

#1-Jem & The Holograms

You don’t have to be a girl from the 80s to know when something looks really stupid. You have no idea how hard it was for me to not only sit through this mess…but to find it. ‘Jem’ was released worldwide on October 23rd, and Universal pulled it from theaters two weeks after its release. Two Weeks! I almost couldn’t find this movie anywhere! Never in my life was I ever dying to see a bad movie, because I figured it would make an excellent review. Once again…I CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS! So, I’ll give you just a small review. The whole point of a trailer is to notify your audience of an upcoming movie and get them excited. Never should a trailer have to feel like a warning. There are plenty of bad movies that had good trailers! Trust me, this is not the case where the movie might be good but had a bad trailer. Seriously, the trailer flat out told people that it’s from the same people who made ‘Pitch Perfect’ and the same director who made ‘Justin Bieber: Never Say Never’! Do you guys NOT want people watching your movie?

If I may be so bold…oh wait, that’s right! I NEVER ask for permission to speak boldly! Today’s pop music is ABSOLUTE GARBAGE! This movie, however, features the WORST music I’ve ever heard in my life! The film’s soundtrack makes Katy Perry sound like Alice In Chains, it makes The Weeknd sound like Prince, it makes Meghan Trainor sound like Motorhead and it makes Miley Cyrus sound like a flowering young virgin from The Disney Channel!…oh wait, that’s right.

The acting and writing is the same coming-of-age BS about some girl and her friends making it big in the music industry, with a shady producer, the main girl losing her friends and getting them back in the end and hooks up with the cute guy, WE’VE SEEN THIS BEFORE! From ‘The Cheetah Girls’ to the ‘Alvin & The Chipmunks’ movies! With the exception of Molly Ringwald and Juliette Lewis, I would not be surprised …in fact, I hope all of the actors from this trash never find work again. Not only is this the absolute Worst Movie of 2015, but it was also the hardest to find. Thank God for that! I’m glad that this movie’s lifespan ended before actually began, and that not many boyfriends were dragged into theaters this time around.

.

Guys don’t like it, some girls don’t like it, critics don’t like it and not even Christy Marx; the cartoon’s creator, likes it. ‘Jem & The Holograms’ is not only the absolute Worst Movie of 2015, it’s truly one of the worst movies ever made…truly, truly, truly one of the worst movies ever made.

  Not for you, it ain’t! Let’s just hope that 2016 is a much better year for cinema.

 

…Or, it could be just as bad. But, I’ll be there. Until then, Gotta Dash!

Written by Shane Moose

Videos & Photos:

The Ridiculous 6(owned by Netflix & Happy Madison Productions)

Fifty Shades Of Grey(owned by Universal Pictures, Focus Pictures, Michael De Luca Productions & Trigger Street Productions)

Poltergeist(2015) (owned by 20th Century Fox, MGM, Ghost House Pictures & Vertigo Entertainment)

Fant4stic(owned by 20th Century Fox, Marvel Entertainment, Constantin Film, Marv Films, Kinberg Genre, Robert Kulzar Productions & TSG Entertainment)

Jem & The Holograms(owned by Universal Pictures, Allspark Pictures, Blumhouse Productions, Hasbro Studios & SB Projects)

Star Wars Episode VI: Return Of The Jedi(owned by 20th Century Fox, Lucasfilm Ltd. & Walt Disney Studios)

Zach & Miri Make A Porno(owned by MGM, The Weinstein Company & View Askew Productions)

Miley Cyrus’ Wrecking Ball(owned by Miley Cyrus, MoZella, Stephan Moccio, Sacha Skarbek, Lukasz Gottwald,  Henry Russell Walter, Dr. Luke, Cirkut & RCA)

Batman v Superman: Dawn Of Justice(owned by Warner Bros. Pictures, DC Entertainment, Atlas Entertainment, RatPac Entertainment & Cruel and Unusual Films)

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