Hey kids, it’s Dash here with an all-new segment for my blogs. Now, I was originally going to do a Dash News on this…except that it made so angry. What’s got me fuming with rage? Why, the new trailer for ‘Batman v Superman: Dawn Of Justice’, of course!
Now, I hate to try and do a Dennis Miller-style transition here, but the way DC Comics and Warner Bros. are handling their film adaptations are about as sloppy as Kim Kardashian at the BET Hip Hop Awards.
In a way, I almost feel sorry for them. When it comes to live-action movies, Marvel is king. Do I even need to spell it out for you? There may have been “some” good DC adaptations like ‘Superman’, ‘Superman II’, ‘Batman’, ‘Batman Returns’, and ‘The Dark Knight’. Meanwhile, Marvel has…*inhales* ‘Spiderman’, ‘Spiderman 2’, ‘Blade’, ‘Blade 2’, ‘X-Men’, ‘X2’, ‘The Punisher’, ‘Iron Man’, ‘The Incredible Hulk’, ‘Iron Man 2’, ‘Thor’, ‘X-Men: First Class’, ‘Captain America: The First Avenger’, ‘The Avengers’, ‘The Amazing Spiderman’, ‘Thor 2: The Dark World’, ‘Captain America 2: The Winter Soldier’, ‘The Amazing Spiderman 2’, ‘X-Men: Days Of Future Past’, ‘Guardians Of The Galaxy’, ‘Avengers 2: Age Of Ultron’ & ‘Ant-Man’!
Damn right, street-rat! As I’ve said before in my review of ‘Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm’, Marvel has got DC beat. So, of course, you would imagine DC and Warner Bros. would want to cash in on the success of those movies by establishing each and every character in their own movie. You know, setting up these iconic and larger-than life superheroes and villains, then having it slowly build up to the inevitable ‘Justice League’ movie, right?
Nah, of course not. Because, that would make too much sense. We all knew after ‘Iron Man’ that we were finally going to get an ‘Avengers’ movie, Marvel Studios knew it would be a better idea to just be patient and it paid off. Now, DC and Warner Bros. realized that they done goofed, so now they’re just pulling movie ideas out of their asses so they can catch up to Marvel with their own big superhero team-up movie. So what was their first entry into the new DC Cinematic Universe? ‘Man Of Steel’. Bit of a rough start, but it made sense to start off with their flagship superhero. Next up, we have ‘Batman v Superman: Dawn Of Justice’, ‘Suicide Squad’ and ‘Wonder Woman’…wait, what?
In case you’ve skipped over the trailer, let me simplify the stupidity for you: Here’s the new Superman who’s only been established in one movie so far. Here’s the new Batman who hasn’t had his own movie yet, here’s the new Lex Luthor played by that Michael Cera wannabe from ‘Zombieland’ who looks and acts nothing like Superman’s greatest enemy from the comics. Here’s the new Alfred played by Jeremy Irons, he’s the only good thing about this movie. Here’s Doomsday who killed Superman in the comics, not only is he thrown into the movies WAAAY too early but he also looks like crap. Finally, here’s that woman from one of the ‘Fast & Furious’ movies cosplaying as Wonder Woman. Oh yeah, I’m so ready to throw my hard-earned money at this trainwreck!
So, how do I feel about the new Superman? No one can or should try to replace Christopher Reeve’s iconic performance, but Henry Cavill was probably one of the very few good things about ‘Man Of Steel’, this new actor also managed to pull off Superman’s physicality. Speaking of which, I also do like the new look of Superman, I was so relieved to see the Son Of Krypton NOT wear his damn underwear over his tights! In other words, I don’t mind Henry Cavill as Superman, I just never liked the character. Batfleck, on the other hand…
I know a lot of people have trashed this decision to death…myself included. But, do I hate Ben Affleck? Actually, I don’t. Sure, he’s basically Matt Damon’s sidekick and he has been in a lot of crap. But, he was good in ‘Chasing Amy’, ‘Dogma’, ‘The Town’ & ‘Argo’. Affleck is a very hit-or-miss actor. Personally, I think he may be a pretty good Bruce Wayne but I don’t think can cut it as Batman. He may not be as bad as George Clooney in ‘Batman & Robin’, but that’s like saying getting stabbed isn’t as bad as getting shot…that’s still pretty painful. To be fair though, the look of Batman’s new costume is awesome. Yes, I do miss the original all-black version from the 1989 Tim Burton film and the 1992 sequel, but I will give them props for going with the black and gray approach from the comics.
Now, much like Superman, I was never the biggest fan of Wonder Woman. But, you couldn’t pick a better actress or at least an actress who looked the part?!? You really had to go into the bargain bin of actresses? Were there no GOOD actresses who wanted to play Wonder Woman? Claire Danes, Gina Carano, Ronda Rousey, Ali Larter, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Eva Green, Maisie Williams, you mean to tell me that none of these awesome women were available? Hell, Anne Hathaway was a terrible Catwoman in ‘The Dark Knight Rises’, but she could’ve been a good Wonder Woman! By the way, I’m not all that impressed by the costume. I know that Wonder Woman’s look from the comics is silly, but here…she looks less like Wonder Woman and more like Xena.
Then there’s Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor…moving on.
You know what? As much as I would like you guys to fail, I’m not gonna say that this movie and any other future DC movies will fail because their going to make money, sure. The Marvel Cinematic Universe is making money too. You know what else those movies are getting? Critical praise and positive responses from the fans. You know, fans? Those boys and girls of all ages that you think you care about? Look DC, if you wanna rip off Marvel Studios, then go ahead and rip off Marvel Studios! Take your time with these movies, give us that slow build to greatness, give us time to grow with these characters, the box office results for the ‘Avengers’ movies aren’t going anywhere anytime soon. This is what should’ve happened after ‘Man Of Steel’. A new Batman movie, then Wonder Woman, The Flash, Green Lantern, ‘Man Of Steel 2’, Martian Manhunter, another Batman movie, ‘Suicide Squad’, a Wonder Woman sequel, Green Arrow, Aquaman, Shazam, ‘Man Of Steel 3’, and THEN do ‘Batman v Superman: Dawn Of Justice’, a Martian Manhunter sequel and THEN…you can have your Justice League movie! Now, does that sound hard to you?
You know what? Forget I even said anything, go ahead and learn the hard way, I hope you go bankrupt. Any of you who are excited to see the DC Extended Universe, more power to you. As for the rest of you guys…remember how we all thought that Disney was going to ruin Marvel and Star Wars? Look at how well it’s turning out, right? Well, I have an idea. There’s only one way to save DC from looking even more stupid…let’s get a petition going and get Nickelodeon Studios on the phone!
DC Comics, never underestimate the power of the fans! Now get your act together or I’m making the call! Have a nice day, Gotta Dash!
Written by Shane Moose
Batman v Superman: Dawn Of Justice(owned by Warner Bros. Pictures, DC Entertainment, Atlas Entertainment, RatPac Entertainment & Cruel and Unusual Films)
That’s So Raven(owned by Buena Vista Television, Disney Channel Original Productions, Brookwell McNamara Entertainment, That’s So Productions & Warren & Rinsler Productions)
Aladdin(owned by Walt Disney Pictures, Buena Vista Pictures & Walt Disney Feature Animation)
Superman Returns(owned by Warner Bros. Pictures, DC Entertainment, Legendary Pictures, Peters Entertainment & Bad Hat Harry Productions)
Hannibal(TV Series)(owned by Sony Pictures Entertainment, Dino de Laurentiis Company, Living Dead Guy Productions, AXN Original Productions & Gaumont International Television)
Xena: Warrior Princess(owned by Universal Pictures & Renaissance Pictures)
Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory(owned by Paramount Pictures, Wolper Pictures, Ltd. & The Quaker Oats Company)
Spongebob Squarepants(owned by United Plankton Pictures, Nickelodeon Animation Studios, Viacom International Media Networks & Paramount Television)
Batman: The Animated Series(owned by Warner Bros. Animation & Warner Bros. Television Distribution)