Dash Reviews…Carrie(2013)

   Hey everyone, Dash Jordan here. I got nothing witty and funny to say today…Today, we’re looking at the ‘Carrie’ remake!

No not the TV movie, I’m talking about the big-budget one with Hit-Girl and that feminist chick from ‘The Big Lebowski’.

I know, I know. This is gonna hurt…a lot.

Stephen King…how do you sleep at night?

‘Carrie’ is a 2013 adaptation of the 1974 Stephen King novel of the same name, which also makes it a remake of the 1976 Brian De Palma film. In case you are unfamiliar with the story, the titular character is a shy and socially-awkward girl who’s constantly bullied by the majority of the students in her school and abused by her psychotic mother, but later discovers that she has telekinetic powers; eventually using them to wreak havoc on her tormentors and anyone else during Senior Prom…after one last, awful prank.

  The film stars Chloe Grace Moretz, and RIGHT THERE is the film’s first problem! I don’t want to sound misogynistic or anything, but just hear me out. In the original, Sissy Spacek was certainly attractive back in the 70s, but her looks weren’t to the point that you couldn’t buy her performance. Mind you, it was an amazing performance. Hell, in the original novel, Carrie White bears a closer resemblance to Meg Griffin from ‘Family Guy’.

Chloe Grace Moretz, on the other hand…Just, what is with the film’s logic? Don’t get me wrong, she’s a fantastic actress as well. But her performance in this film is barely passable. Not only that, but look at her! How are we supposed to buy Moretz as a less attractive and socially-awkward victim? She looks more like one of the horrible girls that would make fun of someone like Carrie White!

Say what you will, she just wasn’t the right fit for this kind of role. However, one thing I will admit was entertaining in this movie is Julianne Moore as Margaret White; Carrie’s mother. Moore has always been a fantastic actress and this movie was no exception…despite its many, many, many flaws. Personally, I feel that Julianne Moore’s portrayal of Carrie’s mother is every bit as good as Piper Laurie from the original, as both actors were perfect as the very insane, overbearing, religious zealot. But whereas Laurie plays up the insanity and Christian Fundamentalism, almost to the point of parody, Moore takes a more subdued and serious approach. As for who’s better? That’s all up for debate, but I think they’re both great.

Aside from Moretz’s performance, I also didn’t care much for the other actors in this remake. The majority of the actors felt like they were trying out for ‘Degrassi’ or the ‘Teen Wolf’ TV series, not one of Stephen King’s best stories. You could make the argument that some of the characters who tormented Carrie in both the original and the remake, you’re supposed to hate. But, what about the likable characters like Sue Snell, Tommy Ross and the gym teacher? I just really didn’t care much anyone in this remake. If you don’t care for the characters you’re supposed to care about, then why should we care what happens to them when the titular character eventually snaps? Which reminds me…I hated how they handled the prom scene.

I already knew that the film was gonna have some bad CGI…but sometimes, even I hate proving myself right. The way they handled the infamous prom scene felt more like the origin for a comic-book movie villain or something, nothing like the tragic and chilling way this iconic scene was handled in the original. Back in 1976, they didn’t have CGI and they didn’t need CGI. They had to rely on some amazing practical effects that still manage to hold up after so many years. In the remake, I didn’t even feel like I was watching the movie at this point. I thought I was watching clips from ‘Carrie: The Video Game’ for the PlayStation 4.

   With the exception of Julianne Moore’s performance and the inclusion of cyberbullying thrown into the story’s overall message, there is absolutely nothing that could redeem this movie. Most of the other actors are not entertaining in the slightest and the effects are already becoming dated, making for an almost complete slap-in-the-face to Stephen King and the Brian De Palma classic. Honestly kids, don’t waste your breath on this film. If you were to look up the word “Unnecessary” in a dictionary, this is what you would see:

“Now what have we learned, bitches?!?”

Ugh! Until next time..Gotta Dash!

Rating: 2.5/10

Written by Shane Moose

Videos & Photos:

Carrie(2013)(owned by MGM & Screen Gems)

Carrie(1976)(owned by United Artists)

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith(owned by Walt Disney Studios, 20th Century Fox & Lucasfilm)

Family Guy(owned by 20th Television, 20th Century Fox Television, Fox Television Animation & Fuzzy Door Productions)

Seventeen Magazine(owned by Hearst Corporation)

The Last Of Us(owned by Sony Computer Entertainment & Naughty Dog)

Kick-Ass 2(owned by Universal Pictures, Marv Films & Plan B Entertainment)

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