Dash Reviews…Dario Argento’s Dracula

  Good morning, kids! Dash Jordan here, and I am VERY…disappointed! How could this have happened?!? I’m not even mad…I’m just disappointed. Why? Because two things that should’ve worked perfectly when come together…didn’t work. Ever bite into a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup and vomit? Well, you shouldn’t! Because Peanut Butter and Chocolate are two delicious works of art that come out amazing when put together. So how is it that Dario Argento and Dracula can’t have the same effect?!?

Christ, not even Asia Argento can save her Papa’s work anymore…

‘Dario Argento’s Dracula’ was a 2012 Horror film directed by Grandfather Of Italian Horror, himself. It was also Argento’s very-first 3-D movie, and it really shows. The film stars Thomas Kretschmann as Count Dracula, the underrated yet awesome Rutger Hauer as Van Helsing and the drop-dead gorgeous Asia Argento as Lucy. In a world where people like Stephanie Meyer were making a mockery of the Vampire genre and polluting theaters with their Teen Soap-Opera Trash, you could understand how many true fans like myself were excited to witness the epic return of two Horror Legends…and I’m not talking about Asia’s breasts.

Anyway, what we ended up getting is a downright silly and poorly executed rendition of the famous Bram Stoker character with acting that ranges from awkward to horrible. When most people think of Dario Argento, they tend to think about some of his other films like ‘Suspiria’, ‘Deep Red’, ‘Inferno’ and ‘Phenomena’ where it’s all style over substance. Creepy yet alluring atmosphere, bright colors, unique camera angles, awesome music and murder…lots of murder. This is the Dario Argento I’ve wanted to see direct a Dracula movie. In other words, we should’ve gotten something like this:

But instead, Argento gave us this:

Dracula turning into a bat? Awesome. An owl? Cool. A wolf? Nice. Fog? Fine. A swarm of rats? Okay. A swarm of flies? Whatever. But when I see The Count taking the form of a damn Praying Mantis, that’s when the film loses any and all credibility. It if isn’t bad enough that the special effects in this movie make ‘Looney Tunes’ look like ‘Tron: Legacy’, this is probably some of the most stilted acting I’ve seen in any movie. Dakota Johnson’s orgasms in ’50 Shades Of Grey’ look more believable! 

Shut up! There are two saving graces in this movie, however. As I’ve mentioned before, Asia Argento is a very beautiful and hard-working actress. Also, Rutger Hauer was the perfect choice to play Prof. Abraham Van Helsing. But then, the movie’s script come in. Proof that even when Asia Argento and Rutger Hauer are drunk and sleep-walking their way through a movie, they’re still entertaining to watch.

No matter what the overall production value of a Dracula film, what really matters the most is Dracula himself. So how does German actor Thomas Kretschmann match up to the likes of Bela Legosi, Gary Oldman, Sir Christopher Lee and Louis Jourdan? Not well, I’m afraid.

   I’ve seen Kretschmann in other movies and he’s a pretty good actor. Kretschmann plays a very detached and emotionless Dracula who has no problem letting those around him die, even if its own followers. I will give him my respect for being the one actor who actually tries hard to help make this movie memorable. Unfortunately, the movie will only be memorable for all the wrong reasons. Thomas Kretschmann may not be the worst Dracula, but he’s just not good enough to even be considered an Honorable Mention. Oh, and in case you guys are wondering who my Honorable Mention is…

R.I.P. Leslie Nielsen(1926-2010)

   Back to the movie, I’m sure there’s a lot of people who would take joy in ‘Dario Argento’s Dracula’. Why you may ask? The same reason why people enjoy movies like ‘The Room’, ‘Reefer Madness’ and ‘Kung Pow: Enter The Fist’. It’s because of the awful effects, poorly-done 3-D gimmick, bad dubbing, terrible script and catchy end-credits song that this movie may be considered “so bad, that it’s good”. I, for one, can not say the same for this film. I didn’t watch this movie hoping for a guilty pleasure, I watched it hoping for a Dario Argento film. Instead of laughter, all I got was disappointment. Perhaps if this film had a larger budget to work off of or if it had been made back in the 80s or 90s, it could’ve turned out special. Unfortunately, 2010 was one of the darkest times to be a Vampire fan. Sorry my dear Asia, your father is still the man though…No hard feelings, right?

   Hey, at least I wasn’t in 1998’s ‘Phantom Of The Opera’! Anyway, I’ll see you guys later. Gotta Dash!

Rating: 3.5/10

Written by Shane Moose

Videos & Photos:

Dario Argento’s Dracula(owned by Bolero Film, Panocéanic Films, Filmax, Enrique Cerezo Producciones, Cinematográficas S. A. & Les Films de l’Astre)

XXX(owned by Columbia Pictures, Revolution Studios & Original Film)

Suspiria(owned by International Pictures, Produzioni Atlas Consorziate & Seda Spettacoli)

Date & Switch(owned by Lionsgate & Laurence Mark Productions)

Dracula: Dead & Loving It(owned by Columbia Pictures, Brooksfilms, Gaumont & Castle Rock Entertainment)


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s