Dash Reviews…Resident Evil

Hey kids, it’s Dash. So, ready for something really scary? I mean, truly frightening? Trust me, guys…you are all in for one hell of a nightmare. This is by far…the scariest thing to ever happen in the history of cinema…Paul W.S. Anderson directing a video game movie!

OH GOD! THE HORROR! IT’S SO HORRIBLE!

Okay! I’m sorry, just give me a minute to calm myself down. I just really don’t want to review this one. Hell, I wish I could somehow…blacklist all of Paul Anderson’s filmography. He is the bane of my existence. If it isn’t bad enough his original films are so bad, he has to make mockeries of the very things we loved growing up. From ‘Mortal Kombat’ to ‘The Three Musketeers’, and he’s still finding work as we speak. Forget guys like Michael Bay and Stephanie Meyer, Paul W.S. Anderson is The Joker to MY BATMAN!

Why So Bloody Serious, Dashy? HAHAHAHAHA!

Ugh! Anyway, let’s just get this over with. ‘Resident Evil’ is a 2002 Action-Horror film based of the popular Survival Horror video game of the same name. As I’ve mentioned before, the film is directed by Paul W.S. Anderson, who to this day is still held in high regard by his own fanbase solely for directing ‘Mortal Kombat’ and ‘Event Horizon’. I would just like to clarify that I’ve mentioned two movies that he’s mostly known for…two movies. Two…out of thirteen films he’s directed, and he’s still going!

Relax, I’m getting to the film’s plot in a second. You want to know the funny thing about making a movie that’s based on a video game? The story is already written. So if you’ve played the games, then there’s no need to go into details of the film…right?

The film is about Alice and a group of soldiers from the Umbrella Corporation who are sent into an underground facility to investigate and contain a T-Virus outbreak…would you like for me to point out everything that is wrong with the film’s synopsis? Or have you figured it out all on your own like big boys and girls? Aside from a couple of Zombies, some brief mentions of “Umbrella” and “T-Virus”, there’s absolutely nothing that comes even close to what the original games were like. Oh, and another thing…Who the hell is Alice? I love Milla Jovovich but who the hell is Alice? When I heard that Milla Jovovich was cast in the movie, I was actually excited. I thought Milla was fantastic in ‘The Fifth Element’, one of my all time favorite sci-fi films.

   With the casting of such a multi-talented actress, you’d think she’d end up playing Jill Valentine, Claire Redfield or any of the female characters from the games. Ha ha ha, it’s cute because you did think that. You see, this movie was directed by Paul W.S. Anderson…and he was in love. I don’t think it’s a secret to most people that Jovovich and Paul Anderson were developing a relationship while filming this movie, and now the two are married with children. I suppose I can’t blame Anderson on that part, because not only is Milla Jovovich a talented actress but she’s also an incredibly beautiful woman. What I have a problem with, however, is the fact that a director would be unprofessional enough to create an entirely new character who has nothing to do with the games and possibly jeopardize an entire franchise with so much potential for a film just because he had a damn crush. But, I’m glad that you two morons are happy.

R.I.P. Milla Jovovich’s Career(1988-2002)

Anyway, I’ve talked enough about how the movie has nothing to do with the games. In all honesty, I can see how someone might consider that a bit unfair. The ‘Resident Evil’ franchise was all about collecting certain items to advance, conserving ammunition and puzzle-solving. So, I get why it may not be 100% faithful to the source material. If the movie was all about roaming around a mansion looking for keys, maps and paintings for 10 hours and waiting for the next zombie dog to burst through a window, you’d start pulling your hair out and begging for a Michael Bay film. Might I suggest that if you’re going to take a different approach from the games, could there at least be ONE thing you could possibly lift from the games? Oh, I know…MAKE IT FRIGGIN’ SCARY!!!

With the exception of Michelle Rodriguez’s tomboy shtick, there is absolutely nothing in this film that is the least bit scary. I’m not asking for ‘Silent Hill’ or anything, nothing special. But, some legitimate scares in a survival-horror film about a zombie virus would be nice. At the same time, however, the only positive thing I can say about this movie is the fact that this movie has almost nothing to do with the original game. I’d rather them make a movie that lifts nothing from the source material than make a movie that attempts to make an adaptation and fail miserably. I can not in good conscience recommend this movie. Just stick with ‘Night Of The Living Dead’, or something. Incidentally, George A. Romero himself was going to direct this adaptation. Don’t ask me how Capcom felt it was a smart move to ditch Romero for the guy who gave the ‘Mortal Kombat’ movie a PG-13 rating. Better yet, go and play one of the games. My personal recommendations, only play the first four or five games and Gamecube remake…especially the Gamecube remake.

   As for me? Well, I’m not gonna let my Halloween be spoiled. Paul W.S. Anderson, if you’re reading this…I just want you to know that as long as you refuse to admit to your own incompetence and retire from filmmaking, I will always be around to wake people up. This…is far from over. Until next time, I’m going to leave my readers a little something. I’m going to show these good people what a ‘Resident Evil’ movie COULD’VE been, if you hadn’t touched it.

You’re welcome, guys. Until next time, Anderson…Gotta Dash!

Rating: 1.5/10

Written by Shane Moose

Videos & Photos:

Resident Evil(2002) (owned by Columbia Pictures, Screen Gems, Constantin Film, New Legacy Films, Davis Films, Impact Pictures & Capcom)

Superman Returns(owned by Warner Bros. Pictures, DC Entertainment, Legendary Pictures, Peters Entertainment & Bad Hat Harry Productions)

The Fifth Element(owned by Columbia Pictures & Gaumont)

Resident Evil(2002 video game) (owned by Capcom)

Resident Evil 2(Japanese TV Commercial) (owned by Capcom & George A. Romero)

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