Hey kids, Dash Jordan here. So, in my last review I’ve mentioned a good handful of films that I personally deemed “horrible”…oh good, I’m not the only who thinks so. But of course, I’ve only barely scraped the surface. I’ve been waiting for this day for a long time. I told you all that if I was gonna be subjected to torture, it would be on MY terms. So let the torturing begin, because I NEVER go back on my own promises!
You know, I should really learn how to back out on my own promises sometimes.
‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’ is a 2015 erotic thriller-drama based on the bestselling “book” of the same name by author E.L. James, both the “book” and film adaptation are actually the first of James’ ‘Fifty Shades Trilogy’. Yes guys, there are two more of these “books”. As well as two more movies AND a fourth “book” that was just released two months ago.
By the way I say “books” because, believe it or not, the novel was originally written as ‘Twilight’ fan-fiction. Yes, E.L. James had started out writing fan-fiction based on the works of American Literature’s favorite punching bag, Stephenie Meyer. E.L. James then decided to rename the two main protagonists, take out all the vampires and werewolves, keep the stilted sex scenes, condense the whole saga into a trilogy, find someone desperate and greedy enough to publish it and pray that someone in Hollywood will also be desperate and greedy enough to adapt it to film.
Of course this all sounds ridiculous, and this little “plan” shouldn’t have worked. Unfortunately, ‘Fifty Shades’ was the wrong film at the wrong place at the right time. Not following? Well, let me tell you a little something about what I like to call, “The Franchise War”. Basically, Hollywood has recently been going through something of a little renaissance with bad movies and it all because of ‘Harry Potter & The Sorcerer’s Stone’.
Relax, I don’t hate the ‘Harry Potter’ franchise. I’m merely talking about its worldwide success. The point is, when Hollywood saw that they were starting to run out of books to adapt, they were desperately seeking out the next big franchise. Enter author Stephenie Meyer and her ‘Twilight Saga’…as well as countless other imitators, clones and blatant knockoffs. As of right now, ‘Fifty Shades’ is winning this long and bitter war of the lackluster cash-cows; grossing over $90 Million on its opening weekend as well as becoming one of the highest-grossing R-rated films of all time with over $560 Million worldwide.
As for the film itself, it’s every bit as schlocky, stilted, and trashy as you could imagine. I’ve heard a lot of people make the argument that the book and film both serve as a gateway drug to BDSM. In some aspects, they are right. For the most part, however, this story plays out more like a spoof or a mockery of BDSM. It’s not really that hard to find out if someone is into the more kinkier side of sex or not. It certainly shouldn’t take two hours and nine minutes to see if a girl would interested in being tied up, spanked and controlled by some abusive, emotionless and manipulative billionaire stalker. You see ladies, this is what you see:
…and THIS is how your “love story” could play out in the really-real world:
To make matters worse, not only is ‘Fifty Shades’ the purest example of unoriginality, but the movie hardly even works as a standalone erotic drama. On the other hand, I can understand how schlock like this made so much money. The uninspired chick-flick tropes for the girls and the S&M sex for the guys, I get it. However, who’d have thought that even the sex scenes could be just as ridiculous as the script. Never in my life have I’ve ever been so sick and tired, so outright bored of sex. Especially, when the filmmakers have clearly taken pity on the male viewers this time around, by giving us an actress who’s actually quite easy on the eyes.
Aside from her attractiveness, I suppose I don’t have that much of a problem with actress Dakota Johnson playing Anastasia Steele. At the very least, Johnson tries to do the best to her ability with such a weak script. But not even Don Johnson’s daughter can save this glorified porno, and when the porn industry can make a more faithful adaptation than your big-budget movie…
…then you have officially failed at life.
To all the couples out there, next time you wanna “do something different”and “spice things up” or whatever, don’t watch this trash. Just go watch some actual pornos and then go and donate $10.50 to some starving children. Why $10.50? Because that’s roughly around the same price of a movie ticket. Now this movie has left my skin crawling and teeth feeling gritty, it’s time for a sizzling-hot shower. Besides, this is only the beginning…
Yes, Mr. Dornan…I bet you’re gonna need to wear that mask once this left hook of mine gets through with you. Until then, Gotta Dash!
Videos & Photos:
Fifty Shades Of Grey(owned by Universal Pictures, Focus Pictures, Michael De Luca Productions & Trigger Street Productions)
Troll 2(owned by Filmirage & Epic Productions)
Young Frankenstein(owned by 20th Century Fox)
Harry Potter & The Sorcerer’s Stone(owned by Warner Bros. Pictures, Heyday Films & 1492 Pictures)
Friday(owned by New Line Cinema, Priority Films, Ghetto Bird Productions & Cube Vision Productions)
American Psycho(owned by Lionsgate, Edward R. Pressman Film Corporation & Muse Productions)
Firefly(owned by 20th Television, 20th Century Fox Television & Mutant Enemy Productions)
Fifty Shades Of Grey: A XXX Adaptation(owned by Smash Pictures)
By the way…No, I didn’t watch the ‘Fifty Shades’ porno spoof! I’m just assuming its closer to the book since it’s, you know…porn.
Easy A(owned by Screen Gems & Olive Bridge Entertainment)
Fifty Shades Darker(owned by Universal Pictures)