Dash Reviews…Step Up

   Hey kids, it’s Dash. Awhile back, I tried letting you guys request what movie I should review next. Noticed how I said “tried”. You see, I don’t think you guys like me very much. The last time I started accepting requests, I ended up having to watch that ‘Poltergeist’ remake. This time, I only ended up reading one request…I gotta say, you people must really love seeing me in pain.

Well, at least it’s not ‘Magic Mike’…

‘Step Up’ is a 2006 Dance film directed by dance choreographer Anne Fletcher and stars Channing Tatum as the stereotypical “unemotional bad boy with the untapped potential” who finds himself doing community service at a Dance School(go figure) only to end up being partnered with the stereotypical “spoiled-princess-brat with the chastity belt” played by Tatum’s real-life wife Jenna Dewan. Hilarity, misunderstandings and gang shootings ensue. Oh, and before you guys try to tear up my Man Cards for watching this movie, I would just like to remind you that almost every heterosexual male who was single from 2006 to present day have also taken women out to see the following crap:

   You laugh now, guys…but I bet you’ll wanna try and stay on your woman’s good side when ‘Fifty Shades Darker’ or ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2’ hits theaters. Yes, they are happening.

Anyway, don’t expect anything new, original or inspiring from ‘Step Up’. Or, as I like to call it, ‘Same-Old-Tired Coming-Of-Age Romantic-Comedy-Drama Dance Tournament Remix: Part 1’. Sounds catchy, doesn’t it? Oh yeah, this movie somehow did well enough to not only get a sequel, but four…FOUR! Joss Whedon couldn’t get more than ONE season of ‘Firefly’, or even ONE sequel to ‘Serenity’…But ‘Step Up’ gets FOUR sequels?!? Five movies of the same crap that you could easily get from MTV and Degrassi reruns for free. Hopefully, people will finally learn to never trust any movie from…well, I don’t think I can say their name or show their logo without getting sued. So, let’s just call them “Deadly Mountains Of Tween Doom Entertainment” or “D.M.O.T.D. Films”.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the worst from Sum-I mean D.M.O.T.D. that I’ve seen. On the technical side, the choreography is the real highlight of the film. I may not be into the whole dance movie craze, but I can see why the dance sequences in the movie could be enjoyable; especially since almost everyone in the movie has or has had experience in dancing and has put a lot of time and effort in each scene. But, just because these moments are the highlights does not make them the film’s saving grace. The movie is still uninspired garbage. Besides, there are only four REAL dancers in my eyes. Jackson, Rockwell, Swayze and Travolta!

Channing Tatum ain’t got jack on The Four Dancemen!

I suppose I should apologize for such a lackluster review to such a lackluster movie. In the film’s defense, it does succeed in pleasing its demographic. If you’re into the whole dance movie thing, then this movie’s for you…Or you can drink a Brain Cells & Cream milkshake and stick with GOOD dance films like ‘Saturday Night Fever’, ‘Dirty Dancing’, ‘Footloose’, and ‘Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo’. Yes! ‘Electric Friggin’ Boogaloo’ over Micro Mike any day!

Then why don’t you go do me a favor and snort it all?!? You’ll have fun! That’s right, ladies! I just called out Forest Gump on steroids, so? Who’s gonna stop me?!? No one’s stopping him from making movies!

You know what? Enough is enough, and it’s time for a change! I’m back! I’m back with a vengeance! If I’m gonna get tortured, it’s gonna be on my terms! See you guys REAL soon! Gotta Dash!

Rating: 2/10

Videos & Photos:

Step Up(owned by Touchstone Pictures, Summit Entertainment, Offspring Entertainment & Buena Vista Pictures)

Stick It(owned by Touchstone Pictures, Spyglass Entertainment & Buena Vista Pictures)

I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry(owned by Universal Studios, Happy Madison Productions, Relativity Media & Shady Acres Entertainment)

Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married?(owned by Lionsgate, Tyler Perry Studios & Reuben Cannon Productions)

Mamma Mia!(owned by Universal Pictures, Littlestar & Playtone)

Twilight(owned by Summit Entertainment, Temple Hill Entertainment, Maverick Films, Imprint Entertainment & DMG Entertainment)

Despicable Me(owned by Universal Pictures & Illumination Entertainment)

The Hunger Games(owned by Lionsgate & Color Force)

Pitch Perfect(owned by Universal Pictures & Gold Circle Films)

Project X(owned by Warner Bros. Pictures, Silver Pictures & Green Hat Films)

Divergent(owned by Summit Entertainment, Lionsgate & Red Wagon Entertainment)

Maleficent(owned by Walt Disney Pictures & Roth Films)

Fifty Shades Of Grey(owned by Universal Pictures, Focus Pictures, Michael De Luca Productions & Trigger Street Productions)

Black Dynamite(owned by Destination Films, Apparition & ARS Nova)

Supernatural(owned by Warner Bros. Television Distribution & Kripke Enterprises)

Marvel’s The Avengers(owned by Walt Disney Pictures & Marvel Studios)

Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker(owned by Warner Bros. Pictures, MJJ Productions, Lorimar Motion Pictures & Will Vinton Productions)

Charlie’s Angels(owned by Columbia Pictures, Flower Films & Tall Trees)

Dirty Dancing(owned by Vestron Pictures & Great American Films Limited Partnership)

Michael(owned by New Line Cinema, Turner Pictures & Alphaville)

21 Jump Street(owned by Columbia Pictures, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Pictures, Relativity Media, Original Film & Cannell Studios)


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